Well, Christmas is getting closer as is Thanksgiving. I've got Curtis up here now and am still waiting on my Sephiroth. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving as I still haven't come out of the closet to my family. Well, to half my family anyway. My mom knows I'm poly but probably doesn't know I've got Curtis up here. And for Christmas, I will be out of town the 18th through the 22nd most likely. We're going down to Dallas to spend Christmas with Sephiroth and to go to Six Flags. Isn't it amazing that there's a Six Flags open in the middle of winter? Maybe Texas isn't so bad after all. Although I'm still unlikely to leave my lovely Gateway to the West. Things have been alright lately for the most part at least. Not as much fighting as there was. I'm getting a new crock-pot tommorow most likely as well as new shoes. Curtis has an interview at Little Ceaser's. We'll see how that works out...I hope he finds a job soon. I need the poor boy out of the house occasionally. Tommorow's going to be very busy with getting shopping done and the like. I've decided I'm getting Seph, a man's wedding ring for Christmas...but don't anyone tell him. *giggles* I want him to be suprised when I drag him into a jewlery store over vacation to find out his ring size. I still have no idea what I'm getting my other two husbands for Christmas but that's not really a big deal, I don't think. That I get to spend Christmas with my three husbands is pretty amazing. I haven't seen Sephiroth in three years...and he is also due for punishment for attempts at cheating on me. Good thing I don't trust men completely anyway.

OKay, so here's what's up. My car's in the shop and has been for two or three weeks. Just think of all the laundry that's piled up with being unable to go to where I do laundry? I have to come out to my dad and his family as poly and I don't know how. It's going to be a bitch. My spouse Curtis will be coming up just as soon as we can buy him a ticket because he won't even find out if he's going to get disability or is eligible or whatever until February. And, his mom was going to buy him a car if he'd wait to leave until then but ya know what?? She wouldn't put it in his name so if he took it, he'd so be screwed. His mom's a fucking bitch. I'm sorry but it's true. I really hope he manages to get up here because I feel like something's wrong between Sepiroth and me. I don't know what and my Queen keeps shutting me out every time I'm close to finding out what's up. But hey, not much I can do right? Witch I might be...but she is a mother. 

Complicated...the only relationship status that looked like it would fit how my life and family works. I am currently living with one of my Spice but I have three. Well..two Spice and one who may or may not be. We'll see if that one returns to me because that will determine everything. You ask what Spice means well, Spice is my plural form of Spouse. Sure, the english teacher tells us it should be Spouses but..what about mouse and mice? So Spice. It makes perfect sense to me. So far, I'm engaged to one of my Spice who I'm currently living with. He works full time and I take care of the den. It works out for us and since I want children, it'll continue working out. One of my other spice is a pre-op transexual who I haven't seen in three years. I love him to bits but eh...things just haven't been going right. I hope to get him back with me soon. He's decided to go and become a Pharmacy Technician and that's great. I just hope after he gets his degree he'll come and live with me again. I miss him a lot. My final Spice is a 19 year old bisexual Satanist. I love him to bits. He's having to deal with the whole "Mama doesn't want to let go" thing. I just hope he can maintain the relationship with his mother because he'll want the closeness one day. I was exactly where he is now of course at one point in my life. If I'm lucky, he'll be up here by Christmas. If not, he'll stay with his mom until the disability she put him on starts coming in.

Humans must die. Evil, weak, pain in the ass creatures that don't know when their wrong. I would destroy them all but my powers are locked. *Snarls angrily* NO ONE has the right to tell me I don't know Lilith. She is my Goddess and my Queen. She is the daughter of Nyx herself and no one on this world knows the true history. All these puny weakling mortals do is bitch and fight. And yet every time someone more powerful and knowledgeable comes along they have to decide they have no idea what their talking about. Aiko is not just a character for me and her history is my true history. Fucking mortals. I am the Black Flame. I am Hell's heir and Lilith's high priestess but humans can't see what's right in front of their eyes. I will destroy this world in black fire for the insults they've done me and for the broken mess they've made of my heart and soul. How dare a mere human yell at me. ME??!!!?? I am the most powerful being in all eternity and yet I have tried so hard to live a peaceful life. I will hex this mortal out of existence if I must. When he dies, he will be my prey. And I will utterly destroy him.

What to tell all you lovely people. I know no one actually reads this bloody thing. Okay, here we go. My bf got his paycheck and we bought like two of those 12 packs of Hot Pockets. I joined a guild rp. I know...I know...I swore I wouldn't. I have been accepted by the Alpha of the House of Blood clan/pack thingy. I am playing a half fae girl with lycan blood. My bf's tax refund is going to be enough to get net at home and my own laptop...and still have money left. My best friend Amanda got a part time job at Subway in Corpus Christi. One of my friends is eventually going to come to the states and he promised to bring me cds from England. OH YEAH!! GO ENGLAND!! This week has been one emotional rollercoaster due to the pms and all. And here is my link of the day::  House of Blood

Okay, here's what all's happened lately. I've moved out of my grandma's and am living with my bf William. He's Otherkin of course and a jaguar in his true form. We've got an apartment and are currently looking into two bedrooms. We're both going to Archon in October. That's the big Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention in Collinsville, IL. We attended Anime St. Louis last year and that was fun. For Archon I will be dressing up as my Elwing character. He proposed of course and I've got a diamond ring...it was my mom's engagement ring and my dad gave it to me for my 21st birthday. The wedding date is set for next April ....right before Beltane.

And so, the love of my life...my fiancee of three years has betrayed me. I called a couple weeks ago on a Weds night and she said she loved me. Then on a Sunday of that same week, I call and some guy picks up her cell phone. He has never heard of me, or me of him. He says he's in love with her and that she's not there. Suspcious much? I'm patient and forgiving though and I simply tell him to have her call me. She never does. I get worried. I text her, call her, im her, and email her...no response whatsoever. I don't even know if she's alive for gods sakes. I'm past anger though by now and am in fear and sorrow. I love her with all my heart and hope she's alright. And so, now yet again...I grace you with a poem.

------------------------------------------------------------

 How can I live without You?

I've spent every moment of my life,

Thinking you were mine.

Thinking we were meant to be.

Yet now, I hear only silence where

Your love was to be.

Alone I weep and pray

Only for you.

My love, I crave to know Your well.

All I think of is You.

All I dream of is You.

You are my world...my love...and my very soul aches for you.

I thought we were more than just friends,

I thought we were mates for ever and ever.

You're on my mind every night,

My heart beats only to hear you again.

My body aches for your touch.

My soul weeps from your silence.

What have I done to deserve this pain?

To deserve your lies and silence?

All I sought to do was love you.

All I want is to please you.

My Master, my mate, and my love...

In you I was complete.

Alone my heart is barren and my dreams stale.

*Tears flowing down cheeks* My girlfriend just broke up with me over the internet. Just out of getting out of the Hospital...First thing she does is fucking leave me. What the hell am I going to do? I loved her. I'm in so much pain now and I don't think I can live without her. And now...even death seems impossible. What I want I can't have. So good day and here's a poem

============

Broken Heart

Tears flow down my cheeks,
As I listen to you.
You say I love another
But how do you know?
Do you break my heart for pleasure
Do you break my heart because you
Have found true love again?
How can you do this to me?
How can you destroy my heart?

I love you with all my soul.
I would've died for you.
Now you betray me,
leaving me with lies.
All I feel now is pain.
I can't understand how
I believed that you cared.
I was a fool...

You only used me.
Everyone was right and
You proved that finally.
You've given me a goodbye...
I best stay out of your life huh?

Well folks, I've been a little slow with catching up on everything. I'm really really sorry. The latest news is that I'm 18 and I'm in Texas. I'm happy and I've had my first job. I've been organizing my writing things and I've posted some pieces on my website. I did get fired but I'm looking for another job. I've been allright and I'm taking my medicine. Looks like I really do need it. My dad is gonna come and visit. Oh...Dad...and family, please do not post comments on this thing. If you must comment do it by email. A lot of stuff I post on here is just ranting or random spiritual nonsense from RP. Which by the way I am no longer doing. I am getting back to web design and I have TextPad so I can do HTML. I took a programming class and did really well. I've even looked into Handfasting rituals so that I can perform a personal one on Beltaine.

 Love ya, Rachael

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it. Missouri passed the gay marriage ban with over 70% and now...what can the alternative communities hope for? If Missouri banned it then other states are going to follow lead and I must finally become politically active. I'm only one voice though, so what can I do? Oh and I'm sending messages back and forth with a friend who lives in New Mexico. School started and I have a lot going on. I have two papers due at the end of the month and I'm in the computer club. Its called M.U.U.G or Marquette Unix User's Group. Clubs really are awesome. Well, I really must go and work on my NDE (Near Death Experiences) paper for Family Relations. Oh and I'm managing to get a 3.0 GPA. I hope I can manage to keep it up. Life sucks...and politics are gay. All I can hope is that my voice is heard by someone or that somehow I manage to force people's attention to how wrong discrimnation against gays is. *Sighs and curls up as she writes this* Please if anyone cares about these issues...post and make your voices heard. I need help in doing this. One voice alone isn't enough to set the flames up and put Gay marriage on the front page.